Raheem Sterling thwarts steward’s attempt to protect fans from him

Human embodiment of evil Raheem Sterling took a break from constantly using hippy crack and lending his Mercedes to people just so they could crash it to make his Premier League debut for Manchester City in their 3-0 win at West Brom.

Sterling was booed by the home fans throughout the match, presumably in a show of solidarity with fellow mid-table club Liverpool against the vile plague of ambitious young English footballers ruining the game by treating their careers like careers and not whimsical fairytales about the importance of sacrificing your own free will for the enjoyment of strangers.

Sterling’s performance was deserving of this treatment, too. In a clear demonstration of how greed and hubris have destroyed his career since forcing his £49 million move last month, he only managed two shots and didn’t score with either one of them. He was then substituted for Samir Nasri in the 74th minute so he couldn’t cause any further damage to City’s impressive performance. Once he was on the bench, he probably did more hippy crack.

When the match ended, Sterling launched yet another attack on polite society by marching towards the City supporters who traveled to the Hawthorns. Realizing that Sterling could only be doing this to punch a baby or force an elderly person to become a hippy crack addict, the stewards attempted to hold him back from the innocent crowd. Undeterred by their noble efforts, Sterling forced his sweat-stained shirt into the hands of a young girl in the front row.

Fearing for her life, the girl smiled and held up the shirt for the cameras. But once Sterling was a safe distance away, she handed it over to the authorities for safe disposal and sterilized her hands so she wouldn’t catch the greed and selfishness that afflict the man who wore it.

Though Man City are already at the top of the table, it will only be a matter of time before Sterling realizes the error of his ways and regrets his life choices.

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