Hello, Pep. I am Zlatan. Welcome to your worst Zlightmare.
Since we are now neighbors, I thought I should reintroduce myself just in case you have forgotten how much I despise you with every fiber of my incredibly powerful being.
I am sure you are now wondering if it is a coincidence that Jose Mourinho and Zlatan — the two founding members of the Coalition Against Pep — have reunited in the same city where you are now working and with your new club’s biggest enemy. No, Pep. This is not a coincidence. When we saw that you were going to Man City, we knew that this would be our best opportunity to destroy you for good. So here we are. United in purpose and in club name. (That part is a coincidence, Pep.)
But as they say in westerns, this town is not big enough for all of us. It’s not even big enough for Zlatan. Which is why I will only stay in Manchester long enough to show people once and for all that you are a fraud. When that is done, I will ride off into the sunset and become the champion of that, too.
At this point, you should be very scared, Pep. You may have gotten lucky and beaten me or Jose individually in the past, but together we are two Optimus Primes combined into one unstoppable force — the ZloptiMou Prime — fueled by a desire for revenge against the worst villain the world has ever known (you).
Between Jose’s knowledge of English football and my strength, speed, skills, hair, genius, flexibility, wit, hair, fashion sense, personal hygiene, and hair, you have no chance of defeating us, Pep.
Off the pitch we have agreed to say disparaging things about you to the press in 12-hour shifts so that together we can have the media filled with fresh Jose and Zlatan quotes about all the ways that you are awful 24 hours a day. As long as the bloated carcass of Wayne Rooney and the other Manchester United players don’t hold me back as much as my Sweden teammates did at Euro 2016, you might as well quit football now and begin a new life as a puddle of overrated tears because that is what you will become soon enough.
I could continue, Pep, but Jose also has something he would like to say to you, so I will give him the Zlast words (for now). Jose, the floor is yours…
You are in my world now, Pepperoni. And I have unanimously voted for a Pepxit. See you soon.