The first rule of plane of existence is that Zlatan is in charge. This is an indisputable fact. To defy this rule is to make the most dangerous of enemies. Thankfully, the referee in PSG’s Ligue 1 match against Rennes was aware of this, so when Zlatan refused to approach him when he asked him to, he relented and went to Zlatan instead.
Author: Brooks Peck
Bayern lose first Bundesliga match this season, double their goals conceded in 73 minutes
Bayern Munich went into the Bundesliga’s winter break undefeated and with only four goals allowed in 17 matches. In their first match after the break, that changed rather drastically, though.
A collection of professional footballers wearing onesies
Ivica Olic has returned to HSV on an 18-month contract and he made sure he wouldn’t go unnoticed upon arrival by wearing a blue onesie. Though Olic might be the first footballer to turn up on his first day of work wearing the clothing equivalent of a middle finger to good taste, he is only the latest in a line of footballers who have donned the wearable sweat sack.
We look back now at a trend laced with regret and despair… Read more
A funny and frighteningly accurate parody of transfer window coverage
Transfer coverage has morphed into a parody of itself, right down to dildos in the ears of Sky Sports reporters, but there is still so much to make fun of. Thankfully, Anthony Richardson (Bad British Commentary and How Will They Line Up?) has put together a condensed version of what we’re in for on Deadline Day.
The next time you go shopping for computer parts, keep an eye out for Peter Crouch.
Guinea and Mali play card game while drawing of lots decide African Cup of Nations elimination
Mali and Guinea both finished Group D in the African Cup of Nations with three points from three 1-1 draws to finish joint second behind the Ivory Coast. This brought about the cruelest and most perversely anticipated tiebreaker of all: the drawing of lots.
Borussia Dortmund CEO thinks Bundesliga clubs have stopped trying against Bayern
The Bundesliga returns from its winter break this weekend and Borussia Dortmund CEO Hans-Joachim Watzke is wondering why they even bother. League champions Bayern Munich currently have an 11-point cushion atop the table (while Dortmund sit in the relegation zone, 30 points back) and Watzke is convinced that clubs have stopped trying when they face Bayern.
If it continued… (Atletico Madrid v Barcelona)
The second leg of Atletico Madrid’s Copa del Rey semifinal against Barcelona had it. A skillful Fernando Torres goal within the first minute, Jordi Alba getting smacked in the head by the linesman’s flag, Torres shoving Neymar while walking off the pitch at halftime, Gabi getting a red card in the tunnel, Arda Turan throwing his own boot, and Barcelona came from behind to win 3-2 (4-2 on aggregate). It even had a player — Atletico’s Cristian Ansaldi — who was detained by police on his way into the stadium for slamming his car door on a cop’s hand!
Clearly this match had everything (a man threw his own boot!) and more. Yet many of you still requested that we ask that old chestnut of a question: What if it continued?
Porto’s Jackson Martinez scores impressive backheel volley off a corner kick
Colombian international Jackson Martinez has scored 83 goals in 117 appearances across all competitions for Porto in his three seasons with the club, but he’s still finding incredible new ways to put the ball in the net. During Porto’s League Cup semifinal against Academica, Martinez scored one of his two goals with a backheel volley off a corner kick that might require him to pay royalties to Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
Incredible backheels are becoming Martinez’s thing, though. Here’s another great one from a couple years ago…
Jordi Alba gets smacked in the head by linesman’s flag, Arda Turan fights back
If Diego Costa and Cristiano Ronaldo get charged with violent conduct for kicking people, then this linesman should get charged for smacking Jordi Alba in the head with his flag during the second leg of Barcelona and Atletico Madrid’s Copa del Rey tie. That’s assault with a deadly weapon. Jordi Alba needs to lead a “#DisallowLinesmanViolence” campaign. Read more
Letters from Bojan: A dream shatters
The earnest question of whether Lionel Messi could do it on a cold, wet night in Stoke has persisted as a cliched joke for a few years now. So when Barcelona surprisingly sold Bojan, a 24-year-old once hyped as the next Messi, to Stoke City, the only explanation was that Messi personally asked him to go there on an expedition to see if the conditions in this mythical place are as challenging as the fables suggest. This is Bojan’s fifth letter back to his friend.