The Ballon d’or nominees have been announced and, as usual, everyone has opinions on them. Even the nominees themselves. Neymar thinks Cristiano Ronaldo should have been left out and Luis Suarez should have been included, Cristiano thinks Lionel Messi will win, and Messi probably thinks they should all skip the Ballon d’Or gala and go to Legoland instead.
None of these men deserve the award, though. So, without further ado, let’s get to pointing out the failings of these magnificent athletes.
“This is my ‘modeling jeans in an LL Bean catalog’ pose. Hi, I’m LA’s Steven Gerrard. You may remember me from such Liverpool moments as The Miracle of Istanbul and The Slip That Will Haunt Me Forever.”
Borussia Dortmund’s Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang and Marco Reus are teammates, in-match Batman and Robin cosplayers, and ultimate BFFs. They even have a synchronized warm-up routine that might qualify as the best ballet I’ve ever seen.
If that didn’t completely melt you heart, here are a few more things that will finish the job…
Cesc Fabregas’s excellent start to the season continues. pic.twitter.com/hdWHZHzO1p
— Onefootball (@Onefootball) November 29, 2015
Cesc Fabregas’ first few months with Chelsea last season were quite good. Ever since then, he has gotten progressively worse to the point where it’s amazing he hasn’t tried to eat the ball and required the Heimlich maneuver from Kurt Zouma.
Speaking of eating the ball, he tried to force feed it to Willian at a thousand miles per hour during Chelsea’s 0-0 draw with Spurs…
Jose Mourinho and the shell of the footballer known as Diego Costa reportedly got into a verbal altercation at halftime of Chelsea’s 4-0 win against Maccabi Tel Aviv in the middle of the week, but Mourinho claimed after the match that the two made up with “kisses and cuddles.” Which can only be code for fighting each other until their bodies could no longer function due to blood loss.
The stage was set for Jamie Vardy to make history in style. After scoring in 10 consecutive Premier League games, matching Ruud van Nistelrooy’s record, Vardy’s first-place Leicester City (which is a true fact in real life) happened to go up against Van Nistelrooy’s old club, second-place Man United.
Hi guys. ???? This @Arsenal winter jumper is nuts! ???? I would love to see everybody wearing it at our next home game!???????? pic.twitter.com/a8UStPcBUA
— Mesut Özil (@MesutOzil1088) November 25, 2015
Footballers have been promoting products on social media for years now, but Mesut Ozil and Freddy Adu have recently infused this soulless practice with a wonderful touch of emotion and artistic flourish.
OK, Neymar. We get it. You’re insanely talented. You don’t need to do things like putting the ball through a hole in the top corner of the goal with a freaking rabona to prove yourself. You’re just making everyone else feel bad about themselves now.
See the nothingness? The uncaring empty void? Look at it. It doesn’t move. It just sits there. A goalless existence that cares not for your enjoyment or anything else.
Keep looking at it. Has it moved yet? Of course it hasn’t. At this point, you know it won’t. You have resigned yourself to the hopelessness of knowing that this is all there will be. And yet you keep watching it.
Staring into the darkness for so long has now warped your mind. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re starting to see something happen inside it, but there is nothing. It is only your own thoughts cannibalizing themselves in an attempt to dig out the mental sustenance that you desperately need.
Now even your thoughts have deserted you. You are forced to confront the meaninglessness of an existence that could allow this to go on. How can the universe hate us enough to let this happen on a weekly basis? Is Louis van Gaal the devil? Could the devil himself even be this evil?
You wet yourself 30 minutes ago just to feel something, but now that has dried and you are back to the nothingness. You want to move. You want stop this insanity. You want to live! But you are frozen. Nothing can be this nothing. How can it go on? How can something so expensive yield so much nothing?!
Keep looking at it. Has it been 90 minutes yet? The whistle sounds and now you can stop. You survived it. Colors and sounds and smells and feelings come rushing back to you like tidal wave of sensation. You are alive! You are free! But you know you are only days away from being subjected to this horror void again. You consider becoming a darts fan but you know that would somehow be far worse.
Already up 1-0 against Palmeiras in the first leg of the Copa do Brasil final, Santos had a golden opportunity to finish the match emphatically and give themselves a nice cushion going into the away leg. But Nilson couldn’t put the ball in an empty net.
How did he miss? By existing in a cruel world that needs no explanation to ruin lives. That’s all there is to it.
Not only did he do this in real life, but he did this in a cup final. If Santos don’t win this trophy, Nilson should definitely consider moving to a different planet.
Thanks to Ryan Lloyd for the tip!