Tag: Louis van Gaal

The coordinated character assassination of Louis van Gaal

Manchester United won their first trophy since the 2013 retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson on Saturday, edging out Crystal Palace 2-1 in extra time with 10-men to lift the FA Cup. It had been 12 years since Man United last won the FA Cup. Wayne Rooney, a player who has seemingly won everything there is to win with the club, had never won this trophy until now.

This joyous occasion created a bit of a problem, though. Round 9,377 of “Jose Mourinho to Man United confirmed!” reports was already winding its way through the media like the latest updates from the boy who cried wolf as Louis van Gaal was proudly showed off his fourth domestic cup in as many countries. Though Mourinho replacing Van Gaal, who still has a year left on his contract, has seemed like a foregone conclusion for months, the image of Van Gaal celebrating like it was his birthday party while everyone treated it like his funeral is one that Man United and/or Mourinho’s representatives likely didn’t appreciate.

Appearances aside, the FA Cup did little to sweeten an otherwise grueling season in which Man United finished outside of Champions League qualification and with their lowest number of goals scored in the Premier League era (49). But some people care about appearances. And those people apparently felt that something had to be done.

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Conspiracy Theory: Louis van Gaal behind Old Trafford evacuation to prolong his Man Utd stay

Manchester United’s final match of the Premier League season had to be abandoned and Old Trafford evacuated due to a “suspicious device” found in a bathroom at the stadium prior to kickoff. Once it was decided that it wasn’t the product of Wayne Rooney’s gastrointestinal system, the item was detonated in a controlled explosion and ruled to be “an incredibly realistic-looking explosive device,” according to the Greater Manchester Police. It also happened to be “a training device which had accidentally been left by a private company following a training exercise involving explosive search dogs.”

This raises the question: of all the things to leave behind, how could this company possibly leave one of their fake explosives? Well, maybe they didn’t.

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Louis van Gaal attempts to declare his entire Man United reign an April Fools’ prank

Louis van Gaal used his April 1 press conference to attempt to claim that everything he’s done in his nearly two full seasons as manager of Manchester United has been part of an elaborate April Fools’ Day prank.

Van Gaal walked into the press room at the club’s training complex and immediately shouted the words “April Fools’!” When asked what he was referring to, the Dutchman said “Everything!” When he saw that no one in the room believed him, he muttered “Damn, I thought that might work.” He then added, “It was worth a try.”

After an awkward, prolonged silence, the gathered journalists moved forward with their questioning of Van Gaal as if his strange outburst never happened. Not taking the hint, Van Gaal answered each of their questions simply by saying “April Fools’!”

The journalists quickly tired of his routine and stopped asking him questions all together. Van Gaal then slammed his fists on the table, shouted “Fine!” and marched towards the door.

Finally, he turned around pointed at everyone in the room and said, “You’re all the April Fools! And May Fools and June Fools!” Then he left.

Those present all agreed that it was Van Gaal’s least embarrassing interaction with the press since arriving in Manchester.

Louis van Gaal: A history of making everyone uncomfortable

To the delight of assembled reporters and the embarrassment of Juan Mata, Louis van Gaal talked about how he likes to tell his players that they need to be “horny” at a press conference on Wednesday. This is, however, just the latest in a long history of uncomfortable moments involving Louis van Gaal, the only Premier League manager to be referenced in adulterous sex dwarf headlines so far this season.

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Louis van Gaal nearly blinds himself during Man United win over Shrewsbury

Even in the fleeting moments when things go right for Manchester United this season, they still hold nuggets of embarrassment for Louis van Gaal. While attempting to take a sip of water during Man United’s 3-0 win over Shrewsbury Town in the FA Cup, Van Gaal forgot that he also had a pencil in his hand and nearly stabbed himself in the eye with it.

Momentarily stunned by the sneaky self-attack, Van Gaal rubbed his face to make sure he didn’t mark himself up. Naturally, the whole incident was caught on camera and broadcast to everyone watching the match at home.

I know Man United have been tough to watch this season, but this isn’t the answer, Louis. You’re going to need both your eyes to find the door on your way out.

Louis van Gaal is calling all of his players “Michael” now

The intense scrutiny and heavy criticism that has come with his time at Manchester United has taken its toll on Louis van Gaal and reduced him to calling all of his players “Michael.” First there was “Michael” Smalling (a mistake he first made last July with Smalling right next to him, then again in November), now there’s “Michael” Keane.

Van Gaal went on to admit that Michael is somehow an “easy name” for him. And that he has also now given Chris Smalling the nickname “Pele.”

At this point, it seems cruel to make fun of him. Clearly the man needs help. Michael “Maradona” Woodward needs to put him out of his misery and sack him before this goes any further.